Hub's Infidelity

Vacation week. I slipped away to visit my mother and I was suspicious before I left. He had been spending an inordinate amount of time with her. She does have a lot of interesting qualities. She is black, Dutch and well seasoned and she can cook! Sounds dangerous and she is. Yes... he even has a nickname for her and doesn't mind me knowing it. Her name? Black Beauty (he actually gave her this name- no joke) and she is a Dutch oven. Since he became a scout leader and attended a meeting where Dutch Oven Dan-who has dozens of the cast iron cuties, spoke rapturously about them, he has been obsessed. While I was out of town, the two of them spent both evenings together. The pizza experiment didn't work out too well (burnt and soggy at the same time), but the pork and chicken nights were apparently heavenly. I swear he spends more time with her than he does with me- cooking together and I am not even going there with the constant oiling of her fabulous patina. He even dries the thing in the oven on a low setting after using it in case there might be a wittle bit o' wawa on her. I can't compete. AND she is strong and reliable according to the tag. Every man's dream. I guess I am lucky he doesn't have dozens- though I think I spotted him trying to revive Old Rusty from his younger years

Rhymes with the thing that happens in the bathroom when you have a stomach virus

So the other day a student starts randomly yelling out the name of an evil STD that rhymes with that thing in the title. Just yelling it out for no reason in the middle of class- even on the way out the door when he was sent to the office to have a nice visit with the principal.
Hopefully nobody heard this conversation that occurred later when the teacher returned from the office after the kids had gone home. We inquired about the incident, but didn't want to mention any names so it went something like this...
Colleagues- " What happened with your (code name) Gon......?" Teacher- Gone now..
Colleagues- " It was pretty bad, huh?" Teacher- Ya - totally out of control.
Colleagues- "Hope it isn't contagious What did the other kids think of it? " Teacher- They either didn't know what it was or they were grossed out by it. Guess I'll deal with it tomorrow"
Colleagues- Maybe it won't come back tomorrow " Teacher- I hope... I am getting pretty sick of it and I could use a break...

She got her wish. There was no sign of it the next day.

The Armpit

So L can't sit still in class and her info says I should allow her plenty of time to get up and cruise around the classroom, do errands etc. We are sitting in a tiny tight spot with 5 other students and me - the "teacher". L is rooting around in her backpack for something. I allow the rooting- it's in the plan. She quickly grabs something from the dark depths of her bag. A deodorant stick. Before I can say "That is called Secret for a reason!" , she is applying it to her tank topped armpits only literally inches from a boy's face. I mean like 3-4 inches. This is not something that S is used to. L has no clue regarding the effect this has on him. His eyes bug out and his face turns red. So cute. Next time - I'll send her on an errand-